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Nov. 28th, 2009

Thinking

I've found myself thinking about the future a lot and what I want to focus towards. Lately I have my hands tied to the present, worrying about what bills to pay in what order, how to get money for emergencies, etc. But that won't be forever. Unfortunately nothing is forever and I'll be back thinking where do I want to progress from here.

I was telling Gus the other day I feel somewhat trapped here. I don't feel like I can get any further in advancing my social standing or financial standing in my current place. I don't mince words about it. I come from a poor family and we're about as bad off as we were the first 15 years of my life not knowing what's going to happen from month to month. I don't want this life for my future family or my children with Gus. It's preying on my depression pretty bad. I'm continuing to function, to pour myself into work/other things by sheer force of will most days, in order to keep myself going. It's made me somewhat cynical since I am always going to have to be self made and relying on my own merit to get anywhere. Especially when America is full of people that would as soon hate you for the way you think as the car you drive or the clothes you wear. It's actually massively depressing and sometimes I feel like the only person that sees how bad things are right now. The reason we're not as bad off as we could be is the fact I wrest control of the situation. And Gus can tell you how bad I get if I'm in a situation I cannot control. It's pretty much the major flaw out of my many. I have to do everything so I know it's done correctly, on time, and at all. It comes from the fact my parents, my mother specifically, would lie to me about things like bills getting paid/etc and I actually had to deal with a lot of the reprocussions.

I remember when I was 16 they came to the house in the middle of the summer and turned off the power for nonpayment. We didn't have phones either, because we couldn't afford it. I begged the woman that came out to use the phone she had to call my dad because I had no way to contact him and my sister and I were home alone. I was scared because all of our food would spoil in the fridge, no power meant no water, and we had no way to circulate air through the house. She told me that was my fault and to deal with it myself. We scraped up all the change we could find and I walked to the nearest pay phone in the middle of the day to call my dad and let him know what had happened. I didn't have any water because the power was off so the faucets wouldn't work since we have a well pump. I'm lucky I didn't have a heat stroke. People always think I exaggerate when I say we were really a lot worse off when I was younger. That I mean I didn't get everything I wanted like some kind of spoiled kid. I mean we didn't always have money for bills or clothes or food. I was happy to get second hand toys when I got anything. I spent time doing things for free, and I have some of my happiest memories from that. Libraries, swimming, going to the parks, playing in the backyard, etc. I never had a proper vacation until I was in college, and then I had to pay for it. I don't fault my parents for being poor. We still are technically.

Living beyond our means in a house we could not afford was the chief problem, but the fact my parents haven't ever truly grown out of that is worrysome as well. I'm okay with living frugally and having a few luxuries like tv/internet/WoW. And I think I would be better off living alone, or with my love, soon because of how things are going here. I am very much rambling now because I need to get things off my chest. I'm bottling my feelings again and I do not need to have an emotional snap at work over the things in my life. Especially since people there not pulling their weight isn't helping either.

Nov. 8th, 2009

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Accurate use of song lyrics get. It's the song I have on loop now. It's sufficiently love song, alt rock for my mood.

So don't stay up for 38 hours with only 2 hours sleep. Just trust me it's a bad plan. I had to pull energy out of thin air from 6am Saturday until about 11pm Saturday. I'd been up since 5:45 am Friday when I got up to go to work. I've slept about 12 hours now though~

I can't pinpoint what exactly caused this. My sinuses are trying to kill me, I have had a very stressful work week, and I had to come up with enough money to send the dog to the vet Saturday which culminated in some minor surgery. Then I have other money troubles coming up that are stressing me out.

I'll give the TLDR version, and people following the healthcare debate in this country should get a kick out of it. So in August of 2007, specifically August 13 I had to make an emergency room visit. I had just graduated and was supposed to be covered by both my parents insurances. Well turns out my mother's dropped me in May 2007, without any notice. So I'm now stuck with a 567 dollar bill for services rendered. Now 567 dollars is a lot of money to my family and myself. And we only learned of this through a collection service HIRED a month ago for it. The hospital claimed they called and sent a letter a month which is a total lie because we've (me, mom, dad, sister) have never gotten it or recieved a voicemail from them. We had to really work to make this work out where this won't kill our fiances. We've done it but it's going to be tight.

Until it's paid and I have that deducted from my account (no no. I'm paying with my card not a check. They won't have my account number, I know better) I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

Work isn't much better. It's just one thing after another. But I'm not getting furloughed anymore until January at the earliest. So I'll have some extra monies. This is good. I was worried I couldn't do the donations and such I wanted to do for the foster kids where mom works. And if you want to do something for charity go to the DFCS office and ask how you can donate to help the older kids in the system. Everyone buys things for the small kids and babies, but they ignore the older children because they're 'old enough to understand.' That doesn't abate feelings of rejection and they're still kids.

I'm worried about Gus too. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. I know he doesn't want me to be all needy and want to talk right now. There's not an excuse for me being so annoying though. But I have to say I'm pretty lonely at the moment. Very in fact. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everyone's gone to church and I only have the dog to keep me company. She's being really sweet though and curling up at my feet.

Change that to really lonely. She got up and left. I hate being an adult.

Sep. 6th, 2009

Lonely Hunter

Nothing is really wrong at the moment...well aside from the current state of disrepair in my country. I have this sense of malaise however. The feeling is tangible but I can't base it anything concrete concerning me. I've always been somewhat sensitive to the world around me. One of my bigger faults, as people will tell you, is that I let my empathy run amok and unchecked.

Even with the personal feelings I have on the healthcare reform on the table. Which I should likely outline but I'd prefer to tell anyone arguing with me here to just get bent. I'm pro reform. I've dealt with the broken U.S. healthcare system all my life and it's not any better now than any other time in my life. I'm just not sick right now so it works. I'm not sold on this clusterfuck currently, but then this has been one of the final straws I need to convience me to move to Australia when the time comes. But this isn't what's bothering me.

I don't know how to really describe it other than I do feel good, but there is something nagging at me in the back of my mind. Though this is likely why I'm writing about it. Sometimes when I just start talking the right words and feelings will just flow out and resolve my emotions. It's not that strong and it's not overpowering enough to ruin my mood. I just find myself feeling the twinge that something isn't okay. It is like malaise. I don't know how else to describe it other than it is there and I'm not imagining it or trying to find something wrong.

But I don't think the words are ready to come out. Hopefully this isn't some prelude to a nervous breakdown.

I decided that for Mandi's wedding I'm growing out my hair. I haven't had super long hair since grade school and I look better in formal wear with my hair up. Well at least I think this is true. I got a long dress for the bridesmaid dress instead of a shorter knee length one. It's satin and has a halter top which helps because my bust size works better with that. It's kind of a deep burgandy color. I think it will look okay. I have dark hair and light skin so deep rich colors work well with me. I wouldn't recommend it for Danni, who is also going to be a bridesmaid but she hasn't picked out a dress or a color yet. I should be getting it sometime next month and then I can worry about alterations.

Gus is coming back for the wedding too. This makes me very happy. I miss him and I don't want to go as long as we did last time between visits. He's helped me through a lot of my stress with work and my family lately. It's uncanny how he knows the right things to say to help me. It's like he can read my mind. Which shouldn't be hard because he really doesn't leave it. My relationship with him is the most important thing I have. There's nothing material or immaterial that can really compare to it's importance. Though I have been an emotional wreck. I'm sure he's wanted to slap some sense into me but he's patient and kind. Which is a testament to what a kind and good person he is. I know a lot of people wonder what I see in him. I see my other half. Where I can be nervous and indecisive, he's steady and calm. I can be easily romantic, he's my practical half. He's complex. Kind of like me I guess. I'm not the simplest person to understand so I'm told. And neither is he. I've been reflecting on it because I'm lonely. Not from neglect or lack of anything but I think I'm just a bit adrift because of well everything.

Though I have my anchors in the people I love so I don't drift too far out. But I guess now I wait for Gus to wake up so I can bother him some more. I have some things I want to talk about with him. Important things.

(Also this song is kind of lighthearted and neat.)

Jun. 29th, 2009

Crying on the inside

I don't like being confronted with someone in pain especially if it's someone I love. Most of the time I just don't know how to deal with it. I can never help anyone and somedays it makes me wonder..well more like cry. Because apparently that's the only way I can handle things.

I'd like for once to feel like I can help with something. That I don't just make things awkward or I'm worrying too much. I just..not being able to help or make that person feel any better makes me a failure as a person.

I don't know. I guess I'm just that fucking maladjusted that I don't understand anyone or what they want from me. Or what I should do with other people I don't know. I'm starting to think I'm just that fucked up in the head.

I hate feeling like this because it just feels like I'm losing at life. That if I can't be supportive in the right ways then just what fucking good am I to anyone? My parents avoid me, my sister avoids me, and I just feel like I am a person that no one wants to be around. It's just really bad at home now what with the dad and having to retire and dealing with my mom. I feel a lot of pressure from it and I feel like when people turn to me for something I can't give them what they need. It's really hard here right now. We're not hurting financially but Mom's taken this really hard and resentfully because she has to work so much. She works herself to death and then complains to us for something that I typically can't get right leading her to bitch at me about how I don't care. And I always get such mixed signals from her. I think that's why I don't really understand what people want. And they get really upset when you can't pick up on things correctly. I wish people wouldn't get offended so I could just ask what do you want from me? Because I don't say it because I'm fed up or angry with being turned to. Most of the time I'm left truly not knowing what to do and I want you to just tell me so that I can do it. God help me I don't know what to do anymore except leave. But then they can't really afford for me to leave, irony of ironies, because I'm the breadwinner now. Just fucking damn it all.

Jun. 15th, 2009

From the Young Man in the 22nd Row...

I think I've pinpointed the noticable issues with my life lately. The generally unchanging ones, being my family, are still a very big issue and source of stress. But I think I've found what has genuinely been upsetting me as of late. It very much just seems to have dawned on me this afternoon. Things just seem to have clicked, and I feel the need to share somewhat. I'd like to start off though by saying that I feel the chorus of 'Candle in the Wind' seems very appropo at the moment. If you don't know it take a second to Google it or something because I think it'll help to understand my feelings at the moment. Because I feel it applies so very very relevantly.

First off being my job. Not my job itself which while busy, as it gets during the summer months, isn't actually the problem. It's the politics around it affecting me. It's more the fact that I'm assumed to be a desk jockey wafting through the system with a cushy job. That I have no accountablity and that my job is ultimately lesser than that of someone in the private sector, of which there is no geologist in the private sector that does every aspect of my job in a singular postion like mine. I do the jobs of 3-4 people in terms of bridge inspections, geotechincal investigations, claims investigations, and ultimately blasting plans. And I do make considerably less than people in these positions even with benefits. Especially now that I am furloughed every month.

I guess I should go through and explain what I do. For bridge inspections I should clarify I only inspect the footings of the bridge. I do drilled caisson inspections, for which I get lowered into the shaft by either a drill rig, crane with proper safety protection, or a tripod with a winch. This is actually the most nerver wracking of my job and something Gus can tell you causes me a great deal of angiush and upset. It's not the only aspect of my job but it's one that can and does upset me some. I also inspect spread footings which are just big open sections we pour concrete into and form it up around rebar, etc.

Geotechnical investigations are pretty numerous and there's probably something I don't cover but I'm going to hit on several. I do preconstruction surveys which I survey houses, walls, and other man made structures for damage before construction, so that if we have a claim post construction for damage we have a basis for comparison. I do soil surveys for construction and I am the consultant for testing and rock identification. Testing is pretty broad but basically when we need to do test drilling, and analysis it's brought to me. I don't do the actual testing, but interpret and graphically project the results.

Claims investigations are where I go out and meet with people that file claims against the department for various reasons, and I only get involved in the ones about property damage. That's typically when there's damage to a lake, siltation issues, cracks, etc.

Blasting plans are what they sound like. I approve and deal with them for the office and go to meetings about them.

I do all of these things for the state and to be fair I like my job most of the time. It's fulfilling and engaging work. I also feel it's rewarding work from the standpoint of just completing it. I knew going into work for the state or any government entity other than the military that it's also thankless work. I don't ever do work so people will laud me. I don't even laud myself that much. However I never did quite expect the level of vitrol I get from people about it. Frankly it's the levels of poisonous words against people like me, people that work a job for the state like hundreds of thousands of other people, that have escalated that have become part of why I'm so unhappy. Everytime I open up any kind of comment section on articles pertaining to my department or the government (not politicians or Congressional policy/D.C. Politics) all I see is just venom. As an example I was reading a NYT article on furloughs not being very helpful for employees, and generally they were talking about the state workers in California that are having to work regardless of mandated furloughs and the general feelings of guilt associated with taking them. I will admit that I do often feel very guilty for taking them even though they're manditory. I don't know if work will be done when I get back, because often if I'm not on top of reminding people it won't be done. Also I worry about that if my work isn't done I'll be the one penalized because it is my responsibility that it get done. This is something my mother deals with as well. I will say the thought of no accountability in government is hogwash and devised by a person that has never worked at the state or local level. We're regularly reminded if our work isn't done that we'll be written up. And my mother has to work nights and weekends to make sure she is caught up. She can't even take weekends off anymore.

And note that this is all uncompensated work as well. She has no recourse, they will fire her if she were to file a suit even though they're in the wrong for no compensation. She's terrified of losing her job because my father was forced to retire or be fired. I'm not terrified of losing my job however. That's not stressing me out any. But it's more to show how hard and honestly people like my mom, dad, and I work only to be repaid with scorn, hatred, and indifference. Often I see people treat state workers like we're subhuman. We should be subserviant to the public and not act with integrity and authority to protect their intrests and assets like responsible citizens. My father did that for 25 years and is a man of the upmost intergrity and honesty. You can't really find a better man than him, but still people treated him like a disposable commodity.

The 'I pay your salary' line comes up very often. Yes and I pay my salary too. I'm not exempt from taxes and I pay the exact same ones that you do. That doesn't give you remotely the right to curse, insult, or act as though I owe you anything. I am a person and I face the same hardships and problems that you do. I owe the state the best work I can do because I am their employee. I am not in fact your employee despite how much you wish to claim so because you pay taxes. I am here because ultimately your money doesn't do the work on it's own. The state directs me how to act and it is their name on my employment agreements and not yours. The state is the one that answers to your beck and call, not me directly. Recall I chose to do this job and serve the public intrest. Try to excercise a bit of respect and humanity when dealing with people.

It's very easy to say I personally should be the one to take the paycut to make ends meet. I know it's very easy not to care if my salary is cut. To be fair I don't care much about whether or not yours is either. However targeting me and saying I'm paid too much and that is why there are budget problems is just downright ignorant. And it does piss me off. I'm THE major income in my household now. And I make less than 60k a year combined with my mother's income. So yes, I'm totally making waaaay too much.

I work a job, same as anyone else. What I don't really get is why people are so stupidly against me? I'm in the same boat as everyone else. Instead I'm a communist. I'm a lazy desk jockey. I couldn't get a job in the private sector because I'm incompetant. I can't be fired (to be fair, I laugh at this because it's stupid since I'm at-will. I could be fired for no reason.) Which leads way to complaints about the government. Which I'll preface with my belief that the government cannot be run as a business. It can't because it's not a business meant to turn a profit. It's actually the only place where profit is irrelevant, note that doesn't mean that wasting money is okay. But the goal is to provide governance and services. How well and how much is actually where the debate is in my opinion. I don't talk about my political leanings all that much here but I can't really get around it with this subject. I'd probably be classified as libertarian (fiscially conservative, socially liberal) but I don't like them as they're a useless bunch of 3rd party sods. I typically get more into the democrat area due to the social aspects. I'm unfortunately very vocal about inadequacies in social areas.

I always feel like I'm in the crossfire in political discussions but I suppose that is because I am. I feel that way in my job when people all around me sound off like I'm some kind of monster or sloth that needs to be burnt in effigy. And truly that is how I feel. I feel there is no middle ground for discussion anymore in America. That you're either polarized one way or another. With the unabashed rantings of the political pundits on the radio and their dominance on the internet I'm kind of left feeling there isn't a refuge anymore for people like me who at the end of the day look at people as people. Which is why when people sound off on subjects to villify the opponent I find it horrendous. I look at people and try to understand them and not judge too harshly even if I don't agree. However it seems like everyone has ideology and no compassion or empathy. And to me an America sans empathy is the scariest place in the world to me. And it comes down to I wonder what place is there in this world for a person like me.

Jan. 11th, 2009

(no subject)

I've really gotten deliquent in posting here. Mostly because I guess I don't care to much.

No one likes me. I'm just sort of here. If you listen to others I'm an idiot and sometimes yeah I feel completely like one. I feel adrift and I don't know where to go. Part of me questions how smart I am when faced with problems because I've made so many mistakes as of late I feel like I'm not right for this job. Smart people aren't that sloppy.

No one really talks to me. I can't blame them, lately all I do is lash out at others and make them feel worse which is not my intention. It's weird. I don't want to talk but I want people to talk to me. Maybe it's reassurance that they do like me or care.

Maybe I should put a bullet in my brain and put myself out of my misery and everyone else's. Who the hell knows.

Nov. 30th, 2008

(no subject)

What to say...

Well I'm severely apathetic at the moment and I'm lonely. Desperately so. The only person I want to be around isn't here and I can't take much more of my family. Like today when I'm blamed for getting water on the bathroom floor and hell there wasn't much at all when I checked. All I seem to do is fight with people and I feel like even Gus doesn't want to be around me. Maybe I should be more attentive to everyone because I feel like everything is falling apart at the moment. I fucking hate the holidays. I wish I didn't have to spend them with my family. It makes me want to cry. At times I'd prefer being alone. Maybe then I could collect my thoughts. Which is something else I can't do at the moment.

Sep. 27th, 2008

(no subject)

I suppose I should post and explain myself so that people don't think I hate them or I'm antisocial.

I'm really feeling overwhelmed at the moment to to environmental stress factors and personal stress factors. First and foremost I have my first real 'do this on your own project'. It's a well problem and it's complicated due to factors in play that are going to make ascertaining any cause to be hard. It doesn't help that my department is now 456 million dollars in the red and making budget cuts. I can't get any physical labor done due to this really and there's the possiblity of paycuts, furloughs (which are a given now), and lastly they're talking maybe 500 max layoffs. This comes at a time when I'm still dealing with the death of a loved one and when I'm about to start making car payments. Now the layoffs are not definate. And I know this. I also know my job is not a easy one to cut due to the fact I advise people across the state. It's still worrysome.

Secondly the economy, gas crunch, etc. are starting to get to me. Now I don't mind talking about the causes and what we can do. But personally talking about the collapse of society is not something I can at the moment. I'm having to live the problem. My purpose at this point is to making through and talking about that is not helpful in the least. I think people are mistaking my frustration and tiredness for being mad. I'm not mad and I don't think people are jerks for talking about it in any way. I'm kind of being backed into the corner and when I am I'm not a chatty person. I want relief. I had a big stress (explosion) headache today. Frankly I swear I'm going to get an anruyism from these things as much as they are popping up.

I think I'm giving people the wrong impression that I'm put out. I'm not honestly. I'd tell people if it was. And I'm worried this is making people think I don't care about what they say or think. I do care. I will admit that I can't concentrate at the moment. Sometimes things aren't clicking and frankly I don't like it myself. I'll sit there and try to figure something out and be thinking in the completely opposite direction. Like determining stress/strain points (I know. Irony) at work when I was going a completely roundabout way of converting a measure of soil density into a measure of pressure. I feel so dumb and useless lately I figure I'm not of much use to anyone.

So you know. I'm sorry I'm being difficult and not understanding like I should be.

Jun. 13th, 2008

(no subject)

I have bronchitis again apparently. I was sicker than I thought. go fig.

Mar. 25th, 2008

Hey Zeffu~ Hey Zeffu~

Guess what's canon?

http://aselia.wikia.com/wiki/Tales_of_Symphonia:_Dawn_of_the_New_World

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