A Day in the Life

I've found myself thinking about the future a lot and what I want to focus towards. Lately I have my hands tied to the present, worrying about what bills to pay in what order, how to get money for emergencies, etc. But that won't be forever. Unfortunately nothing is forever and I'll be back thinking where do I want to progress from here.

I was telling Gus the other day I feel somewhat trapped here. I don't feel like I can get any further in advancing my social standing or financial standing in my current place. I don't mince words about it. I come from a poor family and we're about as bad off as we were the first 15 years of my life not knowing what's going to happen from month to month. I don't want this life for my future family or my children with Gus. It's preying on my depression pretty bad. I'm continuing to function, to pour myself into work/other things by sheer force of will most days, in order to keep myself going. It's made me somewhat cynical since I am always going to have to be self made and relying on my own merit to get anywhere. Especially when America is full of people that would as soon hate you for the way you think as the car you drive or the clothes you wear. It's actually massively depressing and sometimes I feel like the only person that sees how bad things are right now. The reason we're not as bad off as we could be is the fact I wrest control of the situation. And Gus can tell you how bad I get if I'm in a situation I cannot control. It's pretty much the major flaw out of my many. I have to do everything so I know it's done correctly, on time, and at all. It comes from the fact my parents, my mother specifically, would lie to me about things like bills getting paid/etc and I actually had to deal with a lot of the reprocussions.

I remember when I was 16 they came to the house in the middle of the summer and turned off the power for nonpayment. We didn't have phones either, because we couldn't afford it. I begged the woman that came out to use the phone she had to call my dad because I had no way to contact him and my sister and I were home alone. I was scared because all of our food would spoil in the fridge, no power meant no water, and we had no way to circulate air through the house. She told me that was my fault and to deal with it myself. We scraped up all the change we could find and I walked to the nearest pay phone in the middle of the day to call my dad and let him know what had happened. I didn't have any water because the power was off so the faucets wouldn't work since we have a well pump. I'm lucky I didn't have a heat stroke. People always think I exaggerate when I say we were really a lot worse off when I was younger. That I mean I didn't get everything I wanted like some kind of spoiled kid. I mean we didn't always have money for bills or clothes or food. I was happy to get second hand toys when I got anything. I spent time doing things for free, and I have some of my happiest memories from that. Libraries, swimming, going to the parks, playing in the backyard, etc. I never had a proper vacation until I was in college, and then I had to pay for it. I don't fault my parents for being poor. We still are technically.

Living beyond our means in a house we could not afford was the chief problem, but the fact my parents haven't ever truly grown out of that is worrysome as well. I'm okay with living frugally and having a few luxuries like tv/internet/WoW. And I think I would be better off living alone, or with my love, soon because of how things are going here. I am very much rambling now because I need to get things off my chest. I'm bottling my feelings again and I do not need to have an emotional snap at work over the things in my life. Especially since people there not pulling their weight isn't helping either.

Accurate use of song lyrics get. It's the song I have on loop now. It's sufficiently love song, alt rock for my mood.

So don't stay up for 38 hours with only 2 hours sleep. Just trust me it's a bad plan. I had to pull energy out of thin air from 6am Saturday until about 11pm Saturday. I'd been up since 5:45 am Friday when I got up to go to work. I've slept about 12 hours now though~

I can't pinpoint what exactly caused this. My sinuses are trying to kill me, I have had a very stressful work week, and I had to come up with enough money to send the dog to the vet Saturday which culminated in some minor surgery. Then I have other money troubles coming up that are stressing me out.

I'll give the TLDR version, and people following the healthcare debate in this country should get a kick out of it. So in August of 2007, specifically August 13 I had to make an emergency room visit. I had just graduated and was supposed to be covered by both my parents insurances. Well turns out my mother's dropped me in May 2007, without any notice. So I'm now stuck with a 567 dollar bill for services rendered. Now 567 dollars is a lot of money to my family and myself. And we only learned of this through a collection service HIRED a month ago for it. The hospital claimed they called and sent a letter a month which is a total lie because we've (me, mom, dad, sister) have never gotten it or recieved a voicemail from them. We had to really work to make this work out where this won't kill our fiances. We've done it but it's going to be tight.

Until it's paid and I have that deducted from my account (no no. I'm paying with my card not a check. They won't have my account number, I know better) I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

Work isn't much better. It's just one thing after another. But I'm not getting furloughed anymore until January at the earliest. So I'll have some extra monies. This is good. I was worried I couldn't do the donations and such I wanted to do for the foster kids where mom works. And if you want to do something for charity go to the DFCS office and ask how you can donate to help the older kids in the system. Everyone buys things for the small kids and babies, but they ignore the older children because they're 'old enough to understand.' That doesn't abate feelings of rejection and they're still kids.

I'm worried about Gus too. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. I know he doesn't want me to be all needy and want to talk right now. There's not an excuse for me being so annoying though. But I have to say I'm pretty lonely at the moment. Very in fact. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everyone's gone to church and I only have the dog to keep me company. She's being really sweet though and curling up at my feet.

Change that to really lonely. She got up and left. I hate being an adult.

Nothing is really wrong at the moment...well aside from the current state of disrepair in my country. I have this sense of malaise however. The feeling is tangible but I can't base it anything concrete concerning me. I've always been somewhat sensitive to the world around me. One of my bigger faults, as people will tell you, is that I let my empathy run amok and unchecked.

Even with the personal feelings I have on the healthcare reform on the table. Which I should likely outline but I'd prefer to tell anyone arguing with me here to just get bent. I'm pro reform. I've dealt with the broken U.S. healthcare system all my life and it's not any better now than any other time in my life. I'm just not sick right now so it works. I'm not sold on this clusterfuck currently, but then this has been one of the final straws I need to convience me to move to Australia when the time comes. But this isn't what's bothering me.

I don't know how to really describe it other than I do feel good, but there is something nagging at me in the back of my mind. Though this is likely why I'm writing about it. Sometimes when I just start talking the right words and feelings will just flow out and resolve my emotions. It's not that strong and it's not overpowering enough to ruin my mood. I just find myself feeling the twinge that something isn't okay. It is like malaise. I don't know how else to describe it other than it is there and I'm not imagining it or trying to find something wrong.

But I don't think the words are ready to come out. Hopefully this isn't some prelude to a nervous breakdown.

I decided that for Mandi's wedding I'm growing out my hair. I haven't had super long hair since grade school and I look better in formal wear with my hair up. Well at least I think this is true. I got a long dress for the bridesmaid dress instead of a shorter knee length one. It's satin and has a halter top which helps because my bust size works better with that. It's kind of a deep burgandy color. I think it will look okay. I have dark hair and light skin so deep rich colors work well with me. I wouldn't recommend it for Danni, who is also going to be a bridesmaid but she hasn't picked out a dress or a color yet. I should be getting it sometime next month and then I can worry about alterations.

Gus is coming back for the wedding too. This makes me very happy. I miss him and I don't want to go as long as we did last time between visits. He's helped me through a lot of my stress with work and my family lately. It's uncanny how he knows the right things to say to help me. It's like he can read my mind. Which shouldn't be hard because he really doesn't leave it. My relationship with him is the most important thing I have. There's nothing material or immaterial that can really compare to it's importance. Though I have been an emotional wreck. I'm sure he's wanted to slap some sense into me but he's patient and kind. Which is a testament to what a kind and good person he is. I know a lot of people wonder what I see in him. I see my other half. Where I can be nervous and indecisive, he's steady and calm. I can be easily romantic, he's my practical half. He's complex. Kind of like me I guess. I'm not the simplest person to understand so I'm told. And neither is he. I've been reflecting on it because I'm lonely. Not from neglect or lack of anything but I think I'm just a bit adrift because of well everything.

Though I have my anchors in the people I love so I don't drift too far out. But I guess now I wait for Gus to wake up so I can bother him some more. I have some things I want to talk about with him. Important things.

(Also this song is kind of lighthearted and neat.)

I don't like being confronted with someone in pain especially if it's someone I love. Most of the time I just don't know how to deal with it. I can never help anyone and somedays it makes me wonder..well more like cry. Because apparently that's the only way I can handle things.

I'd like for once to feel like I can help with something. That I don't just make things awkward or I'm worrying too much. I just..not being able to help or make that person feel any better makes me a failure as a person.

I don't know. I guess I'm just that fucking maladjusted that I don't understand anyone or what they want from me. Or what I should do with other people I don't know. I'm starting to think I'm just that fucked up in the head.

I hate feeling like this because it just feels like I'm losing at life. That if I can't be supportive in the right ways then just what fucking good am I to anyone? My parents avoid me, my sister avoids me, and I just feel like I am a person that no one wants to be around. It's just really bad at home now what with the dad and having to retire and dealing with my mom. I feel a lot of pressure from it and I feel like when people turn to me for something I can't give them what they need. It's really hard here right now. We're not hurting financially but Mom's taken this really hard and resentfully because she has to work so much. She works herself to death and then complains to us for something that I typically can't get right leading her to bitch at me about how I don't care. And I always get such mixed signals from her. I think that's why I don't really understand what people want. And they get really upset when you can't pick up on things correctly. I wish people wouldn't get offended so I could just ask what do you want from me? Because I don't say it because I'm fed up or angry with being turned to. Most of the time I'm left truly not knowing what to do and I want you to just tell me so that I can do it. God help me I don't know what to do anymore except leave. But then they can't really afford for me to leave, irony of ironies, because I'm the breadwinner now. Just fucking damn it all.

I think I've pinpointed the noticable issues with my life lately. The generally unchanging ones, being my family, are still a very big issue and source of stress. But I think I've found what has genuinely been upsetting me as of late. It very much just seems to have dawned on me this afternoon. Things just seem to have clicked, and I feel the need to share somewhat. I'd like to start off though by saying that I feel the chorus of 'Candle in the Wind' seems very appropo at the moment. If you don't know it take a second to Google it or something because I think it'll help to understand my feelings at the moment. Because I feel it applies so very very relevantly.

First off being my job. Not my job itself which while busy, as it gets during the summer months, isn't actually the problem. It's the politics around it affecting me. It's more the fact that I'm assumed to be a desk jockey wafting through the system with a cushy job. That I have no accountablity and that my job is ultimately lesser than that of someone in the private sector, of which there is no geologist in the private sector that does every aspect of my job in a singular postion like mine. I do the jobs of 3-4 people in terms of bridge inspections, geotechincal investigations, claims investigations, and ultimately blasting plans. And I do make considerably less than people in these positions even with benefits. Especially now that I am furloughed every month.

I guess I should go through and explain what I do. For bridge inspections I should clarify I only inspect the footings of the bridge. I do drilled caisson inspections, for which I get lowered into the shaft by either a drill rig, crane with proper safety protection, or a tripod with a winch. This is actually the most nerver wracking of my job and something Gus can tell you causes me a great deal of angiush and upset. It's not the only aspect of my job but it's one that can and does upset me some. I also inspect spread footings which are just big open sections we pour concrete into and form it up around rebar, etc.

Geotechnical investigations are pretty numerous and there's probably something I don't cover but I'm going to hit on several. I do preconstruction surveys which I survey houses, walls, and other man made structures for damage before construction, so that if we have a claim post construction for damage we have a basis for comparison. I do soil surveys for construction and I am the consultant for testing and rock identification. Testing is pretty broad but basically when we need to do test drilling, and analysis it's brought to me. I don't do the actual testing, but interpret and graphically project the results.

Claims investigations are where I go out and meet with people that file claims against the department for various reasons, and I only get involved in the ones about property damage. That's typically when there's damage to a lake, siltation issues, cracks, etc.

Blasting plans are what they sound like. I approve and deal with them for the office and go to meetings about them.

I do all of these things for the state and to be fair I like my job most of the time. It's fulfilling and engaging work. I also feel it's rewarding work from the standpoint of just completing it. I knew going into work for the state or any government entity other than the military that it's also thankless work. I don't ever do work so people will laud me. I don't even laud myself that much. However I never did quite expect the level of vitrol I get from people about it. Frankly it's the levels of poisonous words against people like me, people that work a job for the state like hundreds of thousands of other people, that have escalated that have become part of why I'm so unhappy. Everytime I open up any kind of comment section on articles pertaining to my department or the government (not politicians or Congressional policy/D.C. Politics) all I see is just venom. As an example I was reading a NYT article on furloughs not being very helpful for employees, and generally they were talking about the state workers in California that are having to work regardless of mandated furloughs and the general feelings of guilt associated with taking them. I will admit that I do often feel very guilty for taking them even though they're manditory. I don't know if work will be done when I get back, because often if I'm not on top of reminding people it won't be done. Also I worry about that if my work isn't done I'll be the one penalized because it is my responsibility that it get done. This is something my mother deals with as well. I will say the thought of no accountability in government is hogwash and devised by a person that has never worked at the state or local level. We're regularly reminded if our work isn't done that we'll be written up. And my mother has to work nights and weekends to make sure she is caught up. She can't even take weekends off anymore.

And note that this is all uncompensated work as well. She has no recourse, they will fire her if she were to file a suit even though they're in the wrong for no compensation. She's terrified of losing her job because my father was forced to retire or be fired. I'm not terrified of losing my job however. That's not stressing me out any. But it's more to show how hard and honestly people like my mom, dad, and I work only to be repaid with scorn, hatred, and indifference. Often I see people treat state workers like we're subhuman. We should be subserviant to the public and not act with integrity and authority to protect their intrests and assets like responsible citizens. My father did that for 25 years and is a man of the upmost intergrity and honesty. You can't really find a better man than him, but still people treated him like a disposable commodity.

The 'I pay your salary' line comes up very often. Yes and I pay my salary too. I'm not exempt from taxes and I pay the exact same ones that you do. That doesn't give you remotely the right to curse, insult, or act as though I owe you anything. I am a person and I face the same hardships and problems that you do. I owe the state the best work I can do because I am their employee. I am not in fact your employee despite how much you wish to claim so because you pay taxes. I am here because ultimately your money doesn't do the work on it's own. The state directs me how to act and it is their name on my employment agreements and not yours. The state is the one that answers to your beck and call, not me directly. Recall I chose to do this job and serve the public intrest. Try to excercise a bit of respect and humanity when dealing with people.

It's very easy to say I personally should be the one to take the paycut to make ends meet. I know it's very easy not to care if my salary is cut. To be fair I don't care much about whether or not yours is either. However targeting me and saying I'm paid too much and that is why there are budget problems is just downright ignorant. And it does piss me off. I'm THE major income in my household now. And I make less than 60k a year combined with my mother's income. So yes, I'm totally making waaaay too much.

I work a job, same as anyone else. What I don't really get is why people are so stupidly against me? I'm in the same boat as everyone else. Instead I'm a communist. I'm a lazy desk jockey. I couldn't get a job in the private sector because I'm incompetant. I can't be fired (to be fair, I laugh at this because it's stupid since I'm at-will. I could be fired for no reason.) Which leads way to complaints about the government. Which I'll preface with my belief that the government cannot be run as a business. It can't because it's not a business meant to turn a profit. It's actually the only place where profit is irrelevant, note that doesn't mean that wasting money is okay. But the goal is to provide governance and services. How well and how much is actually where the debate is in my opinion. I don't talk about my political leanings all that much here but I can't really get around it with this subject. I'd probably be classified as libertarian (fiscially conservative, socially liberal) but I don't like them as they're a useless bunch of 3rd party sods. I typically get more into the democrat area due to the social aspects. I'm unfortunately very vocal about inadequacies in social areas.

I always feel like I'm in the crossfire in political discussions but I suppose that is because I am. I feel that way in my job when people all around me sound off like I'm some kind of monster or sloth that needs to be burnt in effigy. And truly that is how I feel. I feel there is no middle ground for discussion anymore in America. That you're either polarized one way or another. With the unabashed rantings of the political pundits on the radio and their dominance on the internet I'm kind of left feeling there isn't a refuge anymore for people like me who at the end of the day look at people as people. Which is why when people sound off on subjects to villify the opponent I find it horrendous. I look at people and try to understand them and not judge too harshly even if I don't agree. However it seems like everyone has ideology and no compassion or empathy. And to me an America sans empathy is the scariest place in the world to me. And it comes down to I wonder what place is there in this world for a person like me.

I've really gotten deliquent in posting here. Mostly because I guess I don't care to much.

No one likes me. I'm just sort of here. If you listen to others I'm an idiot and sometimes yeah I feel completely like one. I feel adrift and I don't know where to go. Part of me questions how smart I am when faced with problems because I've made so many mistakes as of late I feel like I'm not right for this job. Smart people aren't that sloppy.

No one really talks to me. I can't blame them, lately all I do is lash out at others and make them feel worse which is not my intention. It's weird. I don't want to talk but I want people to talk to me. Maybe it's reassurance that they do like me or care.

Maybe I should put a bullet in my brain and put myself out of my misery and everyone else's. Who the hell knows.

What to say...

Well I'm severely apathetic at the moment and I'm lonely. Desperately so. The only person I want to be around isn't here and I can't take much more of my family. Like today when I'm blamed for getting water on the bathroom floor and hell there wasn't much at all when I checked. All I seem to do is fight with people and I feel like even Gus doesn't want to be around me. Maybe I should be more attentive to everyone because I feel like everything is falling apart at the moment. I fucking hate the holidays. I wish I didn't have to spend them with my family. It makes me want to cry. At times I'd prefer being alone. Maybe then I could collect my thoughts. Which is something else I can't do at the moment.

I suppose I should post and explain myself so that people don't think I hate them or I'm antisocial.

I'm really feeling overwhelmed at the moment to to environmental stress factors and personal stress factors. First and foremost I have my first real 'do this on your own project'. It's a well problem and it's complicated due to factors in play that are going to make ascertaining any cause to be hard. It doesn't help that my department is now 456 million dollars in the red and making budget cuts. I can't get any physical labor done due to this really and there's the possiblity of paycuts, furloughs (which are a given now), and lastly they're talking maybe 500 max layoffs. This comes at a time when I'm still dealing with the death of a loved one and when I'm about to start making car payments. Now the layoffs are not definate. And I know this. I also know my job is not a easy one to cut due to the fact I advise people across the state. It's still worrysome.

Secondly the economy, gas crunch, etc. are starting to get to me. Now I don't mind talking about the causes and what we can do. But personally talking about the collapse of society is not something I can at the moment. I'm having to live the problem. My purpose at this point is to making through and talking about that is not helpful in the least. I think people are mistaking my frustration and tiredness for being mad. I'm not mad and I don't think people are jerks for talking about it in any way. I'm kind of being backed into the corner and when I am I'm not a chatty person. I want relief. I had a big stress (explosion) headache today. Frankly I swear I'm going to get an anruyism from these things as much as they are popping up.

I think I'm giving people the wrong impression that I'm put out. I'm not honestly. I'd tell people if it was. And I'm worried this is making people think I don't care about what they say or think. I do care. I will admit that I can't concentrate at the moment. Sometimes things aren't clicking and frankly I don't like it myself. I'll sit there and try to figure something out and be thinking in the completely opposite direction. Like determining stress/strain points (I know. Irony) at work when I was going a completely roundabout way of converting a measure of soil density into a measure of pressure. I feel so dumb and useless lately I figure I'm not of much use to anyone.

So you know. I'm sorry I'm being difficult and not understanding like I should be.

I have bronchitis again apparently. I was sicker than I thought. go fig.

Guess what's canon?

http://aselia.wikia.com/wiki/Tales_of_Symphonia:_Dawn_of_the_New_World

So I caught a cold my first week of work. Nothing too serious, it's just annoying as I am getting headaches like a bitch due to the head congestion.

That said I really do like my job. I don't loathe it like I did my others for some reason. I don't know if it's because it's in my field or that I'm working towards providing for my future husband to be able to come live with me. I'm just in a better mood all the time. However that didn't stop me from snapping on Mom this morning when she nagged once too much. I know when to get dressed. I can do it myself. I do not need constant reminders to do so. I've never forgotten to get dressed, ever. I don't know why she tries to make me so crazy. I screamed at her. Something good too, but I just couldn't help it. I don't feel good to begin with so I can't take the nagging like I normally can. I'll just be glad to move out and in with someone that doesn't make me want to cry from frustration.

I do like my job but I don't know when I'm going to New Employee Orientation. :/ No one has heard a thing but they told me when I started I should be going on the 17th. I just need to find out definately before Monday. I can't talk much about my job since it's with the state. No real reason to as I'm sure people would be bored to tears with it. However in my sickness I find I have a longing for Gus to hold me. I miss him more than ever. It's lame and sappy I know but he is the best person in the world and I'm lucky to have him in my life. He makes the emotionally turmultuous homelife I have here stable. He's my anchor that keeps me from floating off in a sea of uncertainty. But I'll stop before I start getting sappy enough to cry. I'll give myself a doozy of a headache that way.

Ah well. Maybe I'll ramble more later.

I couldn't think of a suitable title for this so I'll leave it blank. I feel like writing for a minute so just bear with me.

I'm scared. It's not so much a tangable fear but more a fear that I'm nothing but a sham. That I got through school on nothing but luck and happenstance. That in taking this job I'm going to make a fool of myself and ruin my chances of ever doing anything right. I have terrible self worth. I know this very well. Is it a valid lack of it, I have no clue but I've lived with it so long that I do believe I will always have these bouts of self doubt regardless. I am not one to be able to always believe I can do anything. I can do a great many things but I don't maintain illusions that I'm as creative as say Gus or Zeffu or any of my other friends. In fact most of the time I find them to be much better at things than I am.

I start work Monday and while I'm somewhat happy I feel scared. I'm happy because I'm out of the house. I'm away from Danni and the rest of them for longer periods of time. I'm a place they can't reach me and guilt me into doing everything. I had a kind of trying day today which I think brought this on. I'm not allowed to go anywhere you know. Not anywhere I want to go. Danni gets into this huff where she refuses to talk to anyone, rushes us when we're looking at things, and acts like just a complete bitch when I try to have a good time. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. It's emotional manipulation because she doesn't want me enjoying time out shopping but goddamnit I want to. Stop making such a big deal because I was going shopping for work clothes. I want to look nice for work.

Though I do have my own fears about leaving home because I will have to let go of the control I have over dinner and such. I don't trust Danni to cook. She's never done it and when I get home I would like to eat something I didn't have to worry about whether she did it right or not. Mom won't cook anymore. It's always me now. It's the one thing I don't mind doing because I like knowing exactly how it's done. I know it's a little obsessive of me and maybe I am blowing it out of proportion but I get the feeling I'd be better off cooking for myself than relying on her. I will say I don't trust Danni. She's not a trustworthy person to me.

I'm just so scared of screwing up badly. I want to get things right in this neurotic little world of mine. And yes I know I'm insanely neurotic. Frankly I don't care. I just need to talk. I don't want to go to church tomorrow but if I'm going to get anything to make my own lunch with I'll have to. I feel guilted into going. I'm so tired lately, and I know I won't have the energy to go on the weekends after this so I don't want mom to use this one time against me to guilt me into it.

I'm such a goddamned mess. I should crawl into bed and sleep this off but I want to talk to Gus tonight some. Even if he is sick he'll brighten my day up some.

Well there's a nice little path of destruction down the road we can attribute to it. Also my mother had the roof of her building torn off. Tis fun times indeed~

I'm fine. I slept through everything apparently which is hilarious because I live in fear of storms for this reason. There was some power outages and thunder but nothing that woke me up. For this I am glad.

I can has job. I start at the first of March~

Gus knows that last night I was dealing with a particularly nasty strain of Malware and was in the process of scanning when I decided I need some sleep. Needless to say I haven't had much. We had a power outage before I could correct the problems when I woke up like I had hoped. When I went to start up the machine...It would not boot. I would get to the F8 screen almost automatically but then I'd get the blue error screen no matter what I choice. So after talking to some tech help it was decided that the only way to fix my computer so I could use it was to wipe everything and reinstall Windows XP. So that's what I've been up to at this time.

I was really upset at first. My first thought as always was of Gus and how would I be able to talk to him without MSN? As you can see the plan worked as I'm typing out a journal entry now on my machine. It still means I lost most of my writings. As in most of my School Writings and all of my characters from games I've played in the last couple of years. It's starting to set in the magnitude of it. I'm upset understandably. There were some loved ones in there and I hated having to do it. But being able to communicate with my love without a 300 dollar phone bill does mean more to me than them. I wake up looking forward to talking to him. Regardless if he's a mopey, angsty man at the moment; I still love him and his company more than anything else in this world. Nothing here was irreplacable. Just programs and files that can be borrowed from others and replaced on the machine. It's just something I would have preferred not to have done could it be avoided. Sadly it wasn't avoidable from conferring with my dad's tech guy. I'll need to write them a nice thank you note for their help.

I'm going to keep this brief as I have a lot of security updates and restarts to go through. I'll see you later tonight babe.

I can safely say I've yet to see snow this heavy in years. It's pretty awesome. I had to get out and drive in it but that was sort of fun. I couldn't tell it was snowing at first from just looking outside but I stepped outside and it's like "Fuck! Cold! Need gloves and hat". I went to get Danni and run errands that couldn't wait until tomorrow. It's the idiots on the road that make it un-fun when it snows. Plus me and Danni just laughed as the snow nearly blinded us walking in from store to store. If you didn't know us better you'd think we got along.

I might post a picture of sorts. Maybe. If I feel like it. Oh and I coined a term for Zeth that she liked. Apathist. So I'll put it here and let people try to figure it out.

Well as Gus knows I was supposed to get up this morning to go with my dad to the retina specialist for his eye scan. I did get up and go despite my roaring headache because turns out that yes they did dialate his eyes for this.

But that's not all that happened. As those of you that knew me around 2004 can recall my Dad went to the hospital because he lost conciousness. Later he had stints put in his heart because of blockage. Well Dad passed out again in the doctor's office and I took him to the emergency room. It's eeriely similar to the last time with the lack of illness, pain, etc. so they are being cautious and keeping him overnight. So far I don't think they've discovered what caused it because they keep running tests. They had just got him back from a CAT scan when I left to get mom and go home to get him things. So yeah...just letting people know I'm not going to be on until later tonight when they throw mom out of the hospital.

Depending on my state of exhaustion I might not see you until tomorrow Gus. I'm really freaking tired after dealing with Mom and my own worries about him. Thankfully I'm not too worried now. He's acting like himself and feels good. He's calling work and barking orders at his subordinates so I'm pretty sure he's not feeling bad. Irate at staying in the hospital because he hates it, but feeling okay. You know typical Dad. :P

We tried to keep from telling mom but yeah we couldn't cause Ann at work told her because we asked her friend to take Danni to school for us. Ann's the supervisor so she went and told my mom. I got a reaaaallly irate call about that. With as much stress as she's had at work we didn't want to worry her unless there was something to worry about. So far there's not anything we can tell is overtly wrong. But now she's pissed at us for not calling her immediately and demanded hourly updates from me. So yeah. That's why I'm tired.

I'll see you folks later.

Terrified, uncertain, hurting...those are pretty good descriptive adjectives for how I feel at the moment. I'll be the first to say I'm probably the unhappiest I've been in a while. It's mostly a combination of my own failings and the oppressive nature of my home life here with my mother and sister. I can barely handle it normally but lately I'm to the point I can barely bring myself out of bed anymore.

The only reason I do is Gus and the fact I don't want to stay in bed. I'd get fatter than I already am. Gus' not pleased with his story as he's said. I want to be the most supportive I can and I feel as though I'm failing. When he's upset, I get upset too. I want him to be happy and as long as he is then hell I can be happy too. I care so much for him and I have a lot of faith in him even when he doesn't. But I just hate seeing the love of my life frustrated and upset. He can tell me not to worry all he wants but that doesn't exactly stop me.

I've also sunk into my habit of blaming myself for everything that happens. Insecurity ho. I've been wanting to burst into tears at a moment's notice lately. I don't want to however because if my family sees me doing that...well they don't care as to the reasons why I am, but they just start demanding I stop immediately. Crying is really my only form of stress release. They honestly don't care that I hurt. And frankly I've lived 22 years with them not really caring how I feel one way or another so screw telling them. That only leads to my mother screaming at me about how ungrateful I am and how I don't care how she feels. Which is a goddamned lie because all my damn life has revolved around how she felt.

It's not too much to ask they give a little consideration to my state of mind as they go through their much more important and busy days. And I know it's not but frankly years of my mother's subtle mental abuse have pretty much given me a liscense to tell her to piss off at this point. I really am going to take Gus' advice and cut them out of my life after I move out if things don't get any better. He's said he doesn't mind and frankly it'd do wonders for my stress level not to have to worry about them. Talking about it helps too. I don't want to burden anyone with how I'm feeling. I'd lose my composure and start ranting. No one wants to have to listen to that. This is a good alternative because you don't have to if you don't care. And frankly I don't blame you if you don't. I'm quite the pathetic bitch at the moment.

I feel a little better though. Just a bit.

I find myself typing this in effort to stay awake long enough so I can see Gus when he gets up. He's upset and frankly I want him to wake up to someone who's happy to see him regardless of his mood. But I think I'm going to fail in this endeavor. I'd prefer not to fail but I would likely go face first into the keyboard. I'm very tired.

So I'm just going to generally put my thoughts out on paper like normal. I have a job interview again Monday. Fingers crossed I get one. Apparently they're hiring more than one position and they'll be videotaping my interview. I'm trying to prep myself so that I'll be a better interview in my free time but that doesn't quite quell my fears that I'm not going to get this one either. I can't go in with that attitude though because negativity just breeds more negativity. I'll set myself up to fail that way so I want to think positively and believe that I will get this job (a proper geologist job at that).

I'm nervous about being videotaped. I've done enough state job interviews to know how it's going to go but that doesn't help my apprehension. My natural shyness about my appearance is getting to me again. I'm never been comfortable with my body, though I know changing it is all in my power. Doing so is the part I have difficulty with. I'd practically have to starve myself to get thin I think. That's really not going to happen either.

I've mostly kept to myself about this job interview. Gus is the only one I've mentioned it to I think. Getting the interviews is easy enough; getting the job is proving tougher. That's mostly why I think I'm in such a funk lately. I want a job. I've listed why over and over enough that it doesn't bear repeating. If you know me you know why I want to work.

I'm apprehensive that my transcripts won't be ready when I pick them up. But I've resolved if that happens, since I ordered them and was told they'd be ready Monday, I'm not going to leave without them. I also won't pay the rush fee on something that should be done already.

Earlier tonight Danni let out a scream in the living room. Being that both my parents were in there and the scream was ungodly loud I took it as genuine like the fool I am. I get up calling out to them to see what's wrong. I'm not getting an answer so I'm getting worried because something might have happened to Mom or Dad. I ask what's wrong and I get a look of confusion and disgust from all involved. I ask again why she screamed. Turns out she screamed at a fucking Britany Spears photo while watching E!'s The Soup. I make a couple of comments jokingly about how I should slap her for making me worry like that. Mom jumps on me for saying that and I shuffle back to the bedroom. I don't like being scared like that, especially since my parents have health issues.

That's about all I wanted to say.

Ugh. I'm in a funk and likely sick. I feel like hell.

But Gus is amusing me with the Portal end song and tales of Half-life which makes me happy even if I'm completely out of it. He's got the mad story telling/singing skills that make the girls swoon. But he's in bed and that is where I wish to be. So I can has something to cuddle up to and comfort me.

However it's not LJ without a bit of angsting. Mostly it's my own self doubt. Spiralling feeling that I can do nothing right due to the lack of a job. Feeling that I'm a failure of a writer and human being, that sort of thing. I'm just beating myself up because I don't have a job yet. I want to work. Suprisingly I complain a lot but I loathe doing nothing all the time. Hence my liking of games. They fill my time and make me feel less useless because I'm apparently decent at them. However I know that few here understand that. I'm told by certain parties that I should try cleaning house and such instead since I feel useless. I then present the fact I have absolutely no cleaning supllies and what I can do in the form of sweeping would take up a half-hour. I'm told that I'm just lazy. That's very much true. I am. I am also however sick of being errand maid and other such things for my family. That is my life currently and I am trying to find something to get me out of it but the only thing that will is my inability to cater to their whims do to a job.

Hopefully this next interview will pan out. I'm going to try my hardest. I might even beg. I'm not below that to get a job so I can get back to spending my free time with Gus and not running countless errands.